hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
