I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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