Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
