The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
