There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
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Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
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Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize