I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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