I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
