if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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