He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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