im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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