I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume