quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
