So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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