Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
