This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
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TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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