okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
