remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
