i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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