He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
