I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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