so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
