Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
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