i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
