I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
