i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
