You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
