3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
