You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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