This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
