Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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