you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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