You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
