Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.