Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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