i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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