I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
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Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
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I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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