I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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