I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
