I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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