Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
