there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
