remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Randomize
