I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
