Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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