So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
