I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
