Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
