Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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