she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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