no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
