We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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