i just sent this text using only my big toe
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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