Texts From Last Night

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  (310): View more from California

  I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.

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  (310): I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them. http://tfl.nu/3swr
  Replies (5) Good night (781) Bad night (829) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani

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  (636): I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani http://tfl.nu/u2tc
  Replies (6) Good night (697) Bad night (1302) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
  Replies (97) Good night (40122) Bad night (1529)
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  (631): View more from New York

  So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone

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  (631): So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone http://tfl.nu/mgb2
  Replies (40) Good night (917) Bad night (6609) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you

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  (631): if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you http://tfl.nu/ij50
  Replies (27) Good night (3243) Bad night (3987) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  it's circumsized.

  (954): View more from Florida

  I think this conversation is over.

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  (904): it's circumsized. (954): I think this conversation is over. http://tfl.nu/jc3y
  Replies (44) Good night (1106) Bad night (4948)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that

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  (214): Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that http://tfl.nu/hzhm
  Replies (33) Good night (3826) Bad night (1107) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She's allergic to latex.

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Lucky bastard.

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  (703): She's allergic to latex. (678): Lucky bastard. http://tfl.nu/kpxi
  Replies (30) Good night (5670) Bad night (1425)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.

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  (314): You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important. http://tfl.nu/ehih
  Replies (18) Good night (2351) Bad night (2577) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?

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  (310): Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head? http://tfl.nu/rn01
  Replies (1) Good night (2099) Bad night (829) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog

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  (440): I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog http://tfl.nu/oyfd
  Replies (6) Good night (1548) Bad night (506) Order T-Shirt
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.

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  (240): okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party. http://tfl.nu/08ru
  Replies (5) Good night (1121) Bad night (459) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm

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  (858): Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm http://tfl.nu/x3tv
  Replies (9) Good night (1534) Bad night (316) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.

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  (780): He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned. http://tfl.nu/9m93
  Replies (11) Good night (870) Bad night (232) Order T-Shirt
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.

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  (289): I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward. http://tfl.nu/nn3r
  Replies (4) Good night (281) Bad night (527) Order T-Shirt

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