Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
These 27 People Had No Idea What They Were Doing When It Came To Sex
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN