Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm always down for nudity.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
