Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
we're so committed to being not committed
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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