If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
