I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Randomize
