The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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