Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
