Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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