just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
people are starting to question the shark bite story
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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