Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
